So this has been a crazy ride. These past two weeks I've been thrown more stuff to deal with. Won't talk about it here, too public, but prayer would be appreciated. Trying to figure stuff out and do what is best for me. Not ever sure what that is..
On a happy note (because I started off with a sad note- sorry!), I've been learning lots of new stuff lately. Working with art, learning more about God, and most of all learning what I actually like and don't like. For the longest time I think I've forgotten who I am and what I like. I feel like Julia Roberts when she plays Maggie in 'Runaway Bride'. Every guy she is with, she just adapts to what his interests are... and how he likes his eggs cooked. She'd never made up her mind what she actually liked, because she always let others make decisions for her. I've been doing that for the past 6 ish months or so I'd say, and I've been too stressed to do what would make me happy. I worry too much about what others think and how I can please them. Balance needs to be achieved. Here are some things I've decided I like and don't like:
1. I don't like... Mean sarcasm- you know, the kind that after they say it, they always say "ohh that was just a joke! You know I'm kidding..." when secretly you know they probably had truth behind it. I always thought I liked it, but I am actually not too fond of it. I'm tired of it I guess..
2. I don't like... Computers. I actually don't like working with computers. I've always had the idea that I did, but looking back on how unhappy I have been in school these past two years (after I've already gotten my degree...), I realize that I don't like them. I'm not good at it. Why'd I do tihs? Well, I know why, but let's not go there...
3. I love... horses- and I let a guy steer me away from them and talk me out of spending quality time with them so I would spend time on him instead. Wrong decision on my part to agree to that. Stress can lead a person to do things they wouldn't normally do I guess.
4. I like... myself. I actually like spending time with just myself. I like going up to the lookout, with my bible, and just hanging out with myself and God. I had forgotten that part of me.
5. I'm ok with... the way I look finally. I'm excited about loosing weight to I can be healthy. I like being healthy. It makes me feel good. I like running (slow), I like bike riding (not too far), and I like working out (not for more than an hour ;). I like tanning. I even like my stomach shrinking so I can get that belly ring I've been wanting for months now (:D) I know that is weird, but face it and embrace it: I'm weird.
6. I don't like... gossip. Being made felt to be invisible. Being hated. Finding out who my true friends are lately, and it sucks to see people keep being mean when you've done nothing wrong to them :(
7. I don't like... confrontation. At all. I have learned that I am truly a peacemaker at heart, and when I try and make peace with people who don't want to make peace with me, it hurts my heart more than anything I've ever felt before. I have never felt such excruciating pain.
8. I love... taking care of things and being a nurturing person. I love watching things grow, I love teaching people and animals how to do something, and I love puppies. I miss dogs, I miss having a dog, and I want one. Now. Praying that God would either quench my puppy craving with someone else getting one that I can play with all the time or me myself getting one.
9. I love... caring. I love it when I invest in someone's life, and they return the favor and care about me as well. It's never been mandatory for me, I love pouring into people anyways, but when someone takes the time out of their schedule and life to invest in mine, it makes my heart smile. I'm blessed that I have people that do that for me and really love me.
10. I love... laughter. Over the past few months, I'd lost it. I don't know where it went. I guess when you get seriously sad about life in general, the laughing normally goes away too. I'd lost that part of myself, and now it's returning.
I think I'll stop at my favorite number ten. OH, btw, my favorite way to have my eggs cooked you might ask? Scrambled.... Definiltey scrambled.
-B
March 12, 2012
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